November 20, 2012
skirt, shirt, sweater, shoes, scarf (all s's...weird): thrifted, tights: walmart
Rob and I saw Perks of Being a Wallflower last week. It brought back all those feelings and memories of high school. No amount of money would ever make me consider doing high school over again. Gah, all those extreme emotions, stupid girls, and over-rated popularity. I had a hard time those three years. I remember my sophomore year, second semester, my only friend I had lunch with, switched lunches due to her schedule. I had no one to sit with. I remember asking these girls if I could sit with them and just knowing that they didn't like me one bit. But I had no one. I couldn't even bare sitting by myself. I sat with them for a couple days and then decided not feeling wanted was even worse. Every lunch I started working in the student store just so I didn't have to feel like an idiot anymore. I remember crying to my advisory teacher because I felt so alone. I even talked to the school counselor to see if I could switch my schedule so I could have lunch with my friend again--how embarrassing.
Things eventually got better (don't they always). I eventually made more friends and I eventually started to enjoy my surroundings. But high school is just the weirdest stage in life. You have all these feelings and emotions that are felt to the extreme. If you're hurt, you are hurt so badly you think you're heart will explode. If you're mad, you think that this anger will never end. If you love someone, you think that it's real no matter how damaging and stupid it really is. You walk the hallways seeing all these different groups that you just want to fit in with. You see the cute boy who doesn't notice you. The catty girls that somehow you want to be friends with. The friends who party together on the weekend, but you don't drink so they don't invite you.
I am so grateful that I do not have to live those years again. I'm also really grateful for supportive parents who helped me through it. My mom let me skip a lot of days. I think she knew how hard it was for me. I prayed a lot those years. I think it helped me appreciate my relationship with my Heavenly Father. My testimony of the Atonement definitely grew and I was able to cling to my Savior through unbearable moments. In retrospect though, I don't think being a wallflower is necessarily a bad thing. I think it's important to stand on your own sometimes. Although it can be so painful at the moment. There's always light at the end of a tunnel. It will get better. All bad moments make you appreciate the good ones. Change is consent. This little world that we live in will never stop. It's how you learn to live through it. That's really what matters. I wish I could have seen that back then. I'm so happy that I made it through high school in one piece.